Triangulation With Children And The Narcissist’s New Supply

Narcissistic Triangulation

IN THE CONTEXT of narcissistic abuse, triangulation is a manipulation tactic in which one person engineers a rivalry between two other people or groups. The aim is to prevent the opponents from uniting against the manipulator, who uses the conflict to control and exploit both factions. Macedonian King Philip II called the strategy divide et impera, but it is more commonly known as divide and conquer.

In order to maintain dominance, highly narcissistic people tend to use oppositional parenting strategies with current or former partners. It’s distressing enough when a narcissistic person triangulates a former partner with their new romantic interest, but the wound cuts much deeper when the triangulation is used to weaken the bonds between the former partner and their child.

A community member submitted the following question:

I am being triangulated with my ex narcissist’s new partner. They are telling our children that the new partner is a better parent because they are carefree, while I have been battling anxiety & depression. Ultimately, they want the children to move in with them. In your opinion, what is the best course of action for someone in my situation?

For answers, we turned to clinical psychologist and parent-child attachment specialist, Dr. Michael Kinsey, author of ‘Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists,’ for his analysis.

1. Play the long game

It’s painful when a child expresses a preference for their other parent and their new partner. Parents experience feelings of fear, abandonment, and anger at the unfairness of the rejection. However, it can be helpful to look at the situation through a wide lens.

Dr. Michael Kinsey encourages parents sharing children with narcissistic partners to look at the big picture.

“I think that there’s the short view and the long view here,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “The short term view can be pretty discouraging. The kids may believe it, they may be acting in line with what the alienating or narcissistic parent is feeding them. But the thing to keep in mind with narcissistic people is that if you have an estranged relationship with them you are one of many people. The hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder is there have chronically strained relationships. And the reason for this is that everyone ultimately has a fall from grace with a narcissist. People will always see through the façade at some point. Maybe at first just for a few moments. Maybe there will be a prolonged estrangement that develops between the narcissist and the kids. But there will always be an opportunity.”

2. Don’t take the narcissist’s bait

It’s tempting to enter into a competition with the narcissistic person’s new partner, to utter a snarky response when your children comes home repeating praise of the new partner and criticism of you. But that will only encourage the narcissistic person because it shows that their manipulation is working.

Dr. Kinsey says that it’s best not to take the bait, “You stay above the fray. You don’t comment on it. You don’t respond to it. You speak to the kids. You don’t speak to the narcissist through the kids.”

3. Be your child’s safe harbor

Once you have processed your feelings about the situation, start focusing on taking the best possible care of yourself so you can show up fully and with an open heart for your child.

Take the best possible care of yourself so you can show up fully for your child.

“What I would advise people to do,” says Dr. Kinsey, “Is to create a very welcoming, open, accepting, non-contentious environment for the kids to return to. In many ways, that’s the best you can do.”

It’s okay to gently let your child know how you feel. Dr. Kinsey gives an example of what this might look like, “You speak to the kids and you say, ‘It really hurts that it feels that way to you, that this other parent is better, but I’m your mother or father and I’m always here for you.'”

Final Thoughts

It’s not easy raising children with combative partners. It’s important to remember that extreme narcissism is a post-traumatic stress adaptation and that much of their crazy making behavior is not about you. Highly narcissistic people are often acting out repetitions of early life conflicts.

As much as narcissistic people seek to shift everyone’s attention on to themselves, its important to support children by making sure that their needs remain the top priority. Learn more about preventative steps you can take to protect your child’s mental health and how to answer your child’s questions about a narcissistic parent.

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support with triangulation, reach out to Dr. Kinsey at Mindsplain

Books by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Quotes about excessive narcissism and triangulation


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4 Ways To Protect Children From Developing Personality Disorders

3 Ways To Protect Your Child From Developing A Personality Disorder | Dr. Michael Kinsey

Many parents are concerned about how exposure to excessive or extreme narcissism will affect their children. They worry about whether their kids have a higher risk of developing personality disorders.

Narcissistic abuse as an expression of domestic violence and can adversely affect a child’s neurobiological experience. It can harm the child’s sense of security and ability to bond. Even if a parent is the primary victim of the aggression, abuse, or neglect, it is important to recognize that the child is a secondary victim. Witnessing or experiencing domestic violence in early life can sow the seeds for the repetition of these behaviors in adulthood, which can manifest as victimization or oppression.

A community member asked how they might protect their child from developing a personality disorder. They wrote:

I’m co-parenting with a malignant narcissist who is verbally and physically abusive to me in front of our children. Is it possible that my children risk developing personality disorders from exposure to pathological narcissism?

For answers, we turned to parent-child attachment specialist Dr. Michael Kinsey, author of Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists, for his analysis.

Prevention of the development of personality disorders in children

“Children learn first and foremost by what they see and what they observe. There are going to be lasting impacts of trauma in a context where there is emotional and physical abuse,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “I think there are things people can do to buffer against the permanent arresting of development that can happen as a result of witnessing or seeing that type of abuse.”

1. Validate the child’s experience

It’s import that children receive support to help them process their experience of domestic violence. Parents can build trust with their kids by being honest and direct about what the child is living through.

Dr. Kinsey explains, “Creating meaningful narratives around the experiences. Do not walk away from it, silence it, or pretending as if it’s not happening. That’s a really important thing for kids. Kids need to know that they’re not experiencing an alternate reality from their parents.”

He points to an important factor that can impact children growing up with family dysfunction, underscoring the significance of the deep connection between kids and same-sex caregivers.

“When the parent who is experiencing the abuse is the same-sex parent, there is a strong identification, i.e. the classic example of a husband abusing his wife emotionally or verbally,” says Dr. Kinsey, “The child who is going to be most greatly impacted by what is going to be the one who is identified with the one who is being abused.”

The reverse can be true in instances when children identify with the parent who perpetrates the abuse. In this way, children may internalize and emulate the dysfunction of their same-sex parent later in life.

Dr. Kinsey puts it this way, “There are other problems in continuing the line of abusers when the observer is identified with the abuser.”

Personality order prevention
The effects of domestic violence on a child who is the same sex as the recipient of the abuse will be profound. Dr. Kinsey explains,”The child most greatly impacted by what is going on is going to be the one who is identified with the one who is being abused.”

2. Make sure that your child is safe from harm

To protect your child’s mental health after they have witnessed or experienced domestic violence, reassure them that actions are being taken to ensure their safety.

“Let the child know that what they saw was really disturbing and it’s not okay what happened and that something is being done to protect or insulate the child,” says Dr. Kinsey, offering an example of what parents might say to help support their child, “One thing I can think of just at a very practical level [would be to say], “I know what you saw was really scary. Do you have any questions for me? Do you have any feelings about it?”

3. Encourage your child to express their feelings

Help you child articulate the emotions they are feeling in connection to abuse. Be mindful of the ways the child communicates their experiences so that you can affirm them.

Dr. Kinsey explains, “For younger kids watching for signs of the impact of the abuse in play is super important and not silencing the play when it shows up. So, if toys are fighting then you can sort of say, ‘Oh my gosh, they’re fighting. How scary.’ Things like that and just sort of validating that the child is seeing something that’s very hard.”

4. Teach your child to practice compassion

Encourage your child to practice putting themselves other people’s shoes. Without condoning harmful behavior, show them how to practice compassion and understanding for others. This must include people they may not necessarily agree with, such as a narcissistic parent.

Teach your child to practice compassion and put themselves in other people’s shoes.

“One of the biggest buffers against personality disorder development is having some sense of understanding of one’s feelings and the feelings of someone else.” says Dr. Kinsey, adding that its vital for the parent to remember that a narcissistic partner is still a human being, “Narcissists are not devoid of feeling states. To optimally protect kids, we need to help them develop an understanding of who that person is and what their emotional system is like and give them a context for understanding the behavior. We can hold intention that the behavior itself, that the abuse itself, is unacceptable.”

He points out that to remain in an abusive relationship is to tacitly green light toxic behavior, which sends the wrong signal to a child. However, it’s still useful to help the child develop an understanding of what’s going on with a domineering parents and why the act the way they do.

“At the very least,” he concludes, “The child needs to have an understanding of who the narcissist is, why they are behaving the way they are and how it’s possible to still maintain a loving understanding of that person, even though they do very bad things.”

Final Thoughts

To prevent the development of personality disorders in children, it is important to prioritize protecting their mental health especially if they have borne witness to or experienced abusive power and control.

There is no escaping the fact that staying with an abusive partner can devastate a child’s mental and physical health. They may develop a fear of abandonment, chronic anxiety and depression, or a guilt complex. Some of the others ways a child’s wounding may also manifest are disconnecting from their emotions, impaired empathy, compulsive lying, isolation, and shame.

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support with preventing personality disorder development in your child, reach out to Dr. Kinsey at Mindsplain

Further reading


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3 Effects of Narcissistic Parenting on Minor Children

a sad young girl

TRAUMA IS THE WORD most commonly associated with extreme narcissism – and with good reason. People who have been targeted for narcissistic abuse often scoff when the pathology is described as shame based because they are distracted by the spectacle of the narcissistic person’s formidable defenses. But in reality, narcissistic personality disorder is a post-traumatic stress adaptation. It is usually developed to resolve intense feelings of inferiority and shame often connected with psychological devastation.

Extreme narcissism is a kind of scar tissue that develops to protect unhealed trauma. It numbs, hardens, and desensitizes the mind, eventually severing consciousness from feelings of incessant vulnerability, fear, and hyper-vigilance. It restricts the ability to genuinely bond with others, making empathy an elusive prospect. The deeper the trauma, the more narcissistic people disconnect from their emotions to cope. The overarching feelings of inferiority and shame become submerged in the subconscious mind. There, a false self is generated to serve as a bulwark to keep unbearable, vulnerable emotions at bay. The words narcissist and narcotic originate from the Greek narkao which means “I numb myself”.

Early life wounds fuel the adult fury boiling under the surface of this personality type. It’s what drives the explosive narcissistic rage that detonates with every real or perceived threat to their cherished false self. It feeds their obsessive need for control and it can blind them to the fact that they perpetuate the very trauma that wounded them on others, especially their children.

3 Effects of Narcissistic Parenting on Minor Children

  1. Research shows that children who witness narcissistic abuse suffer the same degree of harm as the parent who is the primary target for the narcissist’s aggression.
  2. Children who witness or experience narcissistic abuse are at risk for long-term physical and mental health consequences.
  3. Some children who witness narcissistic abuse may have an increased propensity to act out the same violence in their own relationships.

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