4000 Miles

Survivor Voices | Poetry | Narcissistic Abuse Rehab

Intoxicated by your love
Or what I thought
was your love
Reciprocated with my love
True, accepting, encouraging
My all-encompassing love

And it was amazing
Walking on air
All guns blazing
No need for sleep
Because you would keep
Me going
Just the thought of you was enough to sustain me
Just knowing I was yours
You were mine
No need to keep track of time

Then you changed
Or what you presented to me
Changed
Looking back there were red flags flying high
You were the victim, so meek & shy
How could he treat you like this?
I understand why you cried
You
So pretty, so innocent
For him to do all these things
Well, it was just a sin.

But then the mask did begin
to slowly slip
And words were exchanged
To me, just a blip
I want the best for you
For you to be happy
You told me
Yet when we came to it
And when I needed to see my kids
You punished me
Went silent on me
Cold & distant
You imprisoned me
But I tried to reassure you
To constantly reassure you
You told me you broke up with me in your mind
Without even giving me any time

Your energy changed
Never the happy, loving woman
Was I to see again
As you started to harvest your crops & grain
Of seeds sown during our relationship
You never stopped

Our routine changed
And distance grew I was never enough
Deep down I knew
You would never talk
Engage or discuss
Anything important relating to us

You never wanted to accept
Your failings, your feelings
Of inadequacy, inept
So you breadcrumbed me along
This whole time
Dancing to your song
Planning your discard
No matter how hard I would take it
You knew I’d be devastated.

Because I gave you everything
I defended you to my family
To my children
To all
I would stand up
to every wrong word
For which I would ultimately fall
You manipulated
And gaslighted me
And when I asked
You said it was me

But I ignored the red flags
lying about messaging guys
On Twitter, on Facebook
I didn’t even have to look
Again
I didn’t want to look
You played me for a fool
And I naively fell for you
And that makes me angry
Angry and sad
Disappointed and mad
At myself
Not at you

You wasted my time
you took it away
With each passing day
You drained me
You hurt me
And then
faster than light
You desert me
Shame on you
Shame on you
Goddamn shame on you

But I know your time will come
You can hide
You can run
From the twisted lies
That you tell yourself
But you can’t hide from the Universe
Who knows who you are
And you cant hide from God
Who sees you as you are

Inside your heart
Unlike mine, full of passion & fervour
Yours empty & cruel
The truth’s in the mirror
Because the mirror doesnt lie
And like a true coward
You couldnt look me in the eye

Your eyes they betray you
They slice & they slay you
For they scream the lies
You try to hide
But it doesnt matter
Because I knew
I could read you
I could tell you
What you were hiding

And when I did
then your rage came fighting
But it only masked
And confirmed
The reasons for your deception
Which now lie in wait
For another poor soul’s devastation
As you hunt and you weed
To get the supply for your need

So now I have comfort
I have freedom in forgiveness
In knowing my heart is good
I know my heart is a loving heart
Deserving of more than what you did to me
But with yours
With yours?
You can never love
You will never know true love
God help you
God bless you
I forgive you