Author: Manya Wakefield

Narcissistic Abuse
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Triangulation With Children And The Narcissist’s New Supply

by Manya Wakefield
Narcissistic Triangulation

IN THE CONTEXT of narcissistic abuse, triangulation is a manipulation tactic in which one person engineers a rivalry between two other people or groups. The aim is to prevent the opponents from uniting against the manipulator, who uses the conflict to control and exploit both factions. Macedonian King Philip II called the strategy divide et impera, but it is more commonly known as divide and conquer.

In order to maintain dominance, highly narcissistic people tend to use oppositional parenting strategies with current or former partners. It’s distressing enough when a narcissistic person triangulates a former partner with their new romantic interest, but the wound cuts much deeper when the triangulation is used to weaken the bonds between the former partner and their child.

A community member submitted the following question:

I am being triangulated with my ex narcissist’s new partner. They are telling our children that the new partner is a better parent because they are carefree, while I have been battling anxiety & depression. Ultimately, they want the children to move in with them. In your opinion, what is the best course of action for someone in my situation?

For answers, we turned to clinical psychologist and parent-child attachment specialist, Dr. Michael Kinsey, author of ‘Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists,’ for his analysis.

1. Play the long game

It’s painful when a child expresses a preference for their other parent and their new partner. Parents experience feelings of fear, abandonment, and anger at the unfairness of the rejection. However, it can be helpful to look at the situation through a wide lens.

Dr. Michael Kinsey encourages parents sharing children with narcissistic partners to look at the big picture.

“I think that there’s the short view and the long view here,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “The short term view can be pretty discouraging. The kids may believe it, they may be acting in line with what the alienating or narcissistic parent is feeding them. But the thing to keep in mind with narcissistic people is that if you have an estranged relationship with them you are one of many people. The hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder is there have chronically strained relationships. And the reason for this is that everyone ultimately has a fall from grace with a narcissist. People will always see through the façade at some point. Maybe at first just for a few moments. Maybe there will be a prolonged estrangement that develops between the narcissist and the kids. But there will always be an opportunity.”

2. Don’t take the narcissist’s bait

It’s tempting to enter into a competition with the narcissistic person’s new partner, to utter a snarky response when your children comes home repeating praise of the new partner and criticism of you. But that will only encourage the narcissistic person because it shows that their manipulation is working.

Dr. Kinsey says that it’s best not to take the bait, “You stay above the fray. You don’t comment on it. You don’t respond to it. You speak to the kids. You don’t speak to the narcissist through the kids.”

3. Be your child’s safe harbor

Once you have processed your feelings about the situation, start focusing on taking the best possible care of yourself so you can show up fully and with an open heart for your child.

Take the best possible care of yourself so you can show up fully for your child.

“What I would advise people to do,” says Dr. Kinsey, “Is to create a very welcoming, open, accepting, non-contentious environment for the kids to return to. In many ways, that’s the best you can do.”

It’s okay to gently let your child know how you feel. Dr. Kinsey gives an example of what this might look like, “You speak to the kids and you say, ‘It really hurts that it feels that way to you, that this other parent is better, but I’m your mother or father and I’m always here for you.'”

Final Thoughts

It’s not easy raising children with combative partners. It’s important to remember that extreme narcissism is a post-traumatic stress adaptation and that much of their crazy making behavior is not about you. Highly narcissistic people are often acting out repetitions of early life conflicts.

As much as narcissistic people seek to shift everyone’s attention on to themselves, its important to support children by making sure that their needs remain the top priority. Learn more about preventative steps you can take to protect your child’s mental health and how to answer your child’s questions about a narcissistic parent.

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support with triangulation, reach out to Dr. Kinsey at Mindsplain. 

Books by Michael Kinsey, Ph.D.

Quotes about excessive narcissism and triangulation

Triangulation is a manipulation tactic in which one person engineers a rivalry between two other people or groups
What is triangulation?
the aim of triangulation is to prevent the rivals from uniting against the manipulator, who uses the conflict to control and exploit both factions
Why do narcissistic people triangulate others?
the hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder is they have chronically strained relationships
A sign of excessive narcissism.
Extreme narcissism is a post-traumatic stress adaptation. their crazy making behavior is not about you.
Extreme narcissism
Everyone ultimately has a fall from grace with a narcissist. People will always see trough the facade at some point.
Patterns of excessive narissism
Divide and conquer
Triangulation: divide and conquer

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Narcissistic Abuse
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4 Ways To Protect Children From Developing Personality Disorders

by Manya Wakefield
3 Ways To Protect Your Child From Developing A Personality Disorder | Dr. Michael Kinsey

Many parents are concerned about how exposure to excessive or extreme narcissism will affect their children. They worry about whether their kids have a higher risk of developing personality disorders.

Narcissistic abuse as an expression of domestic violence and can adversely affect a child’s neurobiological experience. It can harm the child’s sense of security and ability to bond. Even if a parent is the primary victim of the aggression, abuse, or neglect, it is important to recognize that the child is a secondary victim. Witnessing or experiencing domestic violence in early life can sow the seeds for the repetition of these behaviors in adulthood, which can manifest as victimization or oppression.

A community member asked how they might protect their child from developing a personality disorder. They wrote:

I’m co-parenting with a malignant narcissist who is verbally and physically abusive to me in front of our children. Is it possible that my children risk developing personality disorders from exposure to pathological narcissism?

For answers, we turned to parent-child attachment specialist Dr. Michael Kinsey, author of Transcendent Parenting: A Workbook For Parents Sharing Children With Narcissists, for his analysis.

Prevention of the development of personality disorders in children

“Children learn first and foremost by what they see and what they observe. There are going to be lasting impacts of trauma in a context where there is emotional and physical abuse,” explains Dr. Kinsey, “I think there are things people can do to buffer against the permanent arresting of development that can happen as a result of witnessing or seeing that type of abuse.”

1. Validate the child’s experience

It’s import that children receive support to help them process their experience of domestic violence. Parents can build trust with their kids by being honest and direct about what the child is living through.

Dr. Kinsey explains, “Creating meaningful narratives around the experiences. Do not walk away from it, silence it, or pretending as if it’s not happening. That’s a really important thing for kids. Kids need to know that they’re not experiencing an alternate reality from their parents.”

He points to an important factor that can impact children growing up with family dysfunction, underscoring the significance of the deep connection between kids and same-sex caregivers.

“When the parent who is experiencing the abuse is the same-sex parent, there is a strong identification, i.e. the classic example of a husband abusing his wife emotionally or verbally,” says Dr. Kinsey, “The child who is going to be most greatly impacted by what is going to be the one who is identified with the one who is being abused.”

The reverse can be true in instances when children identify with the parent who perpetrates the abuse. In this way, children may internalize and emulate the dysfunction of their same-sex parent later in life.

Dr. Kinsey puts it this way, “There are other problems in continuing the line of abusers when the observer is identified with the abuser.”

Personality order prevention
The effects of domestic violence on a child who is the same sex as the recipient of the abuse will be profound. Dr. Kinsey explains,”The child most greatly impacted by what is going on is going to be the one who is identified with the one who is being abused.”

2. Make sure that your child is safe from harm

To protect your child’s mental health after they have witnessed or experienced domestic violence, reassure them that actions are being taken to ensure their safety.

“Let the child know that what they saw was really disturbing and it’s not okay what happened and that something is being done to protect or insulate the child,” says Dr. Kinsey, offering an example of what parents might say to help support their child, “One thing I can think of just at a very practical level [would be to say], “I know what you saw was really scary. Do you have any questions for me? Do you have any feelings about it?”

3. Encourage your child to express their feelings

Help you child articulate the emotions they are feeling in connection to abuse. Be mindful of the ways the child communicates their experiences so that you can affirm them.

Dr. Kinsey explains, “For younger kids watching for signs of the impact of the abuse in play is super important and not silencing the play when it shows up. So, if toys are fighting then you can sort of say, ‘Oh my gosh, they’re fighting. How scary.’ Things like that and just sort of validating that the child is seeing something that’s very hard.”

4. Teach your child to practice compassion

Encourage your child to practice putting themselves other people’s shoes. Without condoning harmful behavior, show them how to practice compassion and understanding for others. This must include people they may not necessarily agree with, such as a narcissistic parent.

Teach your child to practice compassion and put themselves in other people’s shoes.

“One of the biggest buffers against personality disorder development is having some sense of understanding of one’s feelings and the feelings of someone else.” says Dr. Kinsey, adding that its vital for the parent to remember that a narcissistic partner is still a human being, “Narcissists are not devoid of feeling states. To optimally protect kids, we need to help them develop an understanding of who that person is and what their emotional system is like and give them a context for understanding the behavior. We can hold intention that the behavior itself, that the abuse itself, is unacceptable.”

He points out that to remain in an abusive relationship is to tacitly green light toxic behavior, which sends the wrong signal to a child. However, it’s still useful to help the child develop an understanding of what’s going on with a domineering parents and why the act the way they do.

“At the very least,” he concludes, “The child needs to have an understanding of who the narcissist is, why they are behaving the way they are and how it’s possible to still maintain a loving understanding of that person, even though they do very bad things.”

Final Thoughts

To prevent the development of personality disorders in children, it is important to prioritize protecting their mental health especially if they have borne witness to or experienced abusive power and control.

There is no escaping the fact that staying with an abusive partner can devastate a child’s mental and physical health. They may develop a fear of abandonment, chronic anxiety and depression, or a guilt complex. Some of the others ways a child’s wounding may also manifest are disconnecting from their emotions, impaired empathy, compulsive lying, isolation, and shame.

If you feel that you or a loved one could benefit from additional support with preventing personality disorder development in your child, reach out to Dr. Kinsey at Mindsplain. 

Further reading

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Narcissistic Personality/News/True Crime
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Kohberger Was Stalking Victims For 5 Months Before Murders

by Manya Wakefield

Murder suspect Bryan Kohberger allegedly stalked the King Road residence a minimum of 12 times before the quadruple homicides. 

*Trigger Warning: This article discusses violent crimes. 

According to the court records, data obtained from Kohberger’s mobile phone showed that he was near the house no less than 12 times between June 2022 and November 13, 2022. He returned to the environs of the crime scene the morning after the murders.

Stalking late at night and early in the morning

A record of pings on his mobile phone reveals that the 28-year-old Ph.D. student was stalking the off-campus residence. The data shows that he was near the home shared by three of the victims Kaylee Gonçalves, 21; Madison Mogen, 21; and Xana Kernodle, 20, more than a dozen occasions.

Kohberger’s phone was pinged in the vicinity of the house late at night and early in the morning on each occasion except one.

The prosecution must prove to the court that Kohberger entered the house and murdered Gonçalves, Mogen, Kernodle, and Ethan Chapin, 20, who was spending the night at King Road during the vicious knife attack. DNA evidence collected from the sheath of the alleged murder weapon, a USMC Ka-Bar Combat Knife, led to Kohberger’s arrest.

An eyewitness saw the murderer on the night of the crime

The Affidavit of Probable Cause reveals on the night of the murders one of the surviving residents told investigators that at 4:00 AM, Gonçalves sensed that something was off and said, “There’s someone here.” 

Per CNN, the surviving resident checked outside the house but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Moments later, she opened her door after hearing what sounded like a whimper from Kernodle’s room. She also believes she heard a man say, “It’s okay, I’m going to help you,” but at the time, she thought it was Kernodle’s boyfriend speaking to her.

After hearing a distinct cry, the surviving resident opened her door again to check on her housemates. To her utter horror, a black-clad male figure emerged wearing a mask over the lower part of his face. She froze in shock as he approached her. However, he left her unharmed and exited the residence through the sliding doors.

Confidential support is available 24/7/365 to anyone experiencing abuse.
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Steve Goncalves on Bryan Kohberger: ‘He was hunting them’

by Manya Wakefield
Steve Goncalves on Bryan Kohberger: 'He was hunting them'

THE FATHER of Kaylee Gonçalves, a victim of the King Road Homicides, alleges that there is evidence that suspect Bryan Kohberger was stalking his daughter and the other residents of the house prior to committing the crimes.

*Trigger Warning: This article discusses violent crimes. 

Per CNN, Steve Gonçalves shared his thoughts on Kohberger’s alleged aggression. He explained that evidence suggests the Ph.D. student had been targeting Kaylee and her friends long before the night of the murders. He says, “He was stalking them, he was hunting them. He was a person looking for an opportunity and it just happened to be in that house. And that’s hard to take.”

The Affidavit of Probable Cause alleges that Kohberger stalked the victims’ residence no less than 12 times prior to the murders.

An act of extraordinary cowardice

Kaylee and her friends Madison Mogen, Xana Kernodle and Ethan Chapin, were killed in a brutal knife attack on November 13, 2022 at their off-campus residence near the University of Idaho. Kohberger has been charged with first degree murder in connection with their deaths. Police believe he acted alone.

Mr. Gonçalves discussed the cowardly nature of Kohberger’s alleged crimes, explaining that his daughter and the other victims were probably asleep during the attack. He says, “She had her phone right next to her and she couldn’t call 911. So these were just girls that went to sleep that night and a coward […] picked his little opponent that was girls.”

Madison Mogen (left) and her best friend Kaylee Gonçalves (right) on International Women’s Day 2022. ©instagram.com/kayleegoncalves

Kaylee’s father also believes that Kohberger may have had some kind of contact with her and/or the other victims prior to the murders. He thinks it’s possible that the suspect may have had a particular focus on one or more of the students. He said, “I’d be a little bit surprised if there wasn’t a clearer touch point that would suggest that he was interested in one or two of the people more than he was the others.”

Steve Gonçalves and family are seeking the death penalty

Mr. Gonçalves shared that he and his wife, Kristi, attended Kohberger’s court hearing. He said Kohberger refused to make eye contact during the proceedings. He explains, “He knows I want him to look me in the eye. So he didn’t. He’s scared to look at me in the eyes […] understand what’s about to happen to him.”

Idaho is a state that carries the death penalty and the Gonçalves family are pursuing justice for their daughter Kaylee to the full extent of the law. Mr. Gonçalves shared his view on the matter, “You know, he picked the wrong family. We’re not scared of a conflict. We’re not running. We’re coming at him.”

Mr. Gonçalves said that someday his family forgive Kohberger for his alleged crimes. However, he thinks serving life in prison is not a sufficient punishment for taking the lives of Kaylee and her friends. He did not mince words about his stance, “He has to pay for what he’s done. If you want to play God’s role, then you’re going to have to go answer to Him.”

Confidential support is available 24/7/365 to anyone experiencing abuse.
In the USA call 1-800-799-7233 or log on to thehotline.org.
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DNA Evidence Links Bryan Kohberger to Moscow Murders

by Manya Wakefield
DNA Evidence Links Bryan Kohberger To Moscow Murders

In the early hours of November 13, 2022, four University of Idaho students lost their lives in a brutal knife attack in a rental home near the campus. They were Kaylee Gonçalves, 21; Madison Mogen, 21; Xana Kernodle, 20; and Ethan Chapin, 20.

*Trigger Warning: This article discusses homicide. 

Bryan Kohberger, a 28 year old Ph.D. student was arrested on charges of first degree murder in connection with the students’ deaths. So far he is the only suspect and law enforcement believes that he acted alone.

The suspect’s DNA was found at the scene of the crime

According to Cathy Mabbutt, the Latah County Coroner, the autopsy showed that the students were stabbed multiple times in their sleep. The students were wounded on their chests and other areas of the upper body. They also sustained some defensive wounds indicating that they tried to resist. The Moscow Police Department confirmed that none of the attacks were of a sexual nature.

Mabutt revealed that the perpetrator used “a pretty large knife.”

Later it emerged that a DNA sample was obtained from the button on a leather knife sheath found near Kaylee and Maddie’s remains. Though the murder weapon has not been found, the sheath had contained a 7-inch Ka-Bar Fighting/Utility knife with a steel clip point blade (see image below).

USMC Ka-Bar Combat Knife | Bryan Kohberger | King Road Homicides
A USMC Ka-Bar Fighting/Utility Knife similar to the one allegedly used in the King Road Homicides.

DNA procured from Bryan Kohberger

The FBI observed Kohberger for four days at his family home in Pennsylvania over the Christmas holiday. At 4.00 am the suspect emerged from the residence to take out some rubbish. He was wearing surgical gloves and disposed it in the trash can at neighboring house. 

The FBI took the items Kohberger had thrown in the trash and had them analyzed for Kohberger’s DNA at the Idaho State Lab. The DNA turned out to be a perfect match for sample collected from the leather sheath found at the crime scene.

References

Confidential support is available 24/7/365 to anyone experiencing abuse.
In the USA call 1-800-799-7233 or log on to thehotline.org.
In the UK call 0808 2000 247 or log on to nationaldahelpline.org.uk.

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Coercive Control/News/True Crime
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Luke Mackie Jailed For Coercive Control

by Manya Wakefield

Luke Mackie, 21, has been sentenced to more than three years in jail after subjecting two women to malicious campaigns of coercive and control.

*Trigger Warning: This article discusses physical and emotional abuse. 

According to Edinburgh Live, Mackie terrorized his partner Nicole Connor, 23, with malicious threats to kill her family if she did not meet his demands. Mackie introduced violence into his relationship with his relationship with Connor within weeks of starting a relationship with her. She recalls how his mood would suddenly change “like a switch” had been flipped. After he abused her, she says he behaved as if nothing had happened.

Connor, an NHS nurse, was placed under a series of arbitrary rules and regulations by Mackie. He isolated her, restricting her freedom of movement by seizing her car keys. His control of Connor became so extreme that he did not allow her to use the bathroom unaccompanied.

Indeed Connor’s life was in danger as Mackie’s crimes against her escalated to several instances of non-fatal strangulation. During one of his outbursts, he threw her down on the floor. When Connor bravely exited her relationship with Mackie, he harassed and stalked her for two months.

Mackie’s behavior was ‘truly harrowing’ 

Mackie’s cowardly acts of violence against women eventually led to his arrest. At the Dundee Sheriff Court, he pled guilty to 12 charges, including coercive control of Connor from October 2020 to July 2021, four charges against another girlfriend, two attacks on law enforcement officers, and possession of cocaine.

After reviewing the evidence, Sheriff Gregor Murray described Mackie’s behavior as “truly harrowing” and dismissed the mitigating factors presented by the defense.

Mackie remained emotionless as he received his sentence on December 14, 2022. In a pitiful attempt to cling to his chauvinism, he gave his parents a wink as officers led him out of the dock to take him to prison.

A restoration of human dignity

Connor and her family were satisfied with the outcome. Although she still suffers from anxiety after Mackie’s cruel attacks, the court’s decision helped restore her human dignity.

She says, “I don’t think he thought this day would ever come. I’m relieved that he is behind bars. He can’t just walk away and do it to someone else – that was my biggest fear. He’s scum, and I will never forgive him.”

Connor explained that Mackie has not apologized or expressed remorse for his crimes against her, “He’s not sorry for any of it – he’s only sorry he got caught.”

This behavior is typical of perpetrators of gender-based domestic violence, as its perpetrators usually adhere to the sexist dogma that apologizing to women is a threat to their masculinity.

Connor has no illusions about Mackie, explaining, “He’s scum, and I will never forgive him. It now feels like justice has been served, and I can start putting this behind me.”

Confidential support is available 24/7/365 to anyone experiencing abuse.
In the USA call 1-800-799-7233 or log on to thehotline.org.
In the UK call 0808 2000 247 or log on to nationaldahelpline.org.uk.

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Narcissistic Abuse
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A New Season of The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast

by Manya Wakefield
The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast | Photo by Nuno Obey

When I visualize the upcoming season of The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast, the image I hold in my mind is a platform that serves as a lighthouse to anyone feeling lost at sea during their proverbial dark night of the soul.

When we first launched in 2019, my intention as a content creator was to reach survivors wherever they were on their recovery journey with a message of confidence. Hope ignites the flame of courage in the human heart and makes it possible for us to take that first intrepid step toward transformation. Through the generous endowment of my wonderful mother, our platform has successfully engineered awareness, empowerment, and healing for thousands of people around the globe. 

Because narcissistic abuse occurs in the psychological domain, its effects are often invisible to everyone except the person experiencing the harm. It renders the sacred profane by weaponizing the building blocks of healthy relationships: good faith, trust, and loyalty. Narcissistic abuse impairs one’s ability to give and receive love without fear.

Tossed between seismic waves of idealization and devaluation, the survivor often loses sight of the way back to their safe harbor. Typically, the survivor is burdened with misplaced shame and cruelly thrust into the torturous scapegoat role. The result is often family estrangement and alienation from one’s wider social circle. 

Hope is the beacon of light that disrupts the gloom of this insidious form of human bondage. Without hope, healing seems impossible because it does not occur in a vacuum. The best and most lasting recovery happens through wholesome connections sustained by the restorative elixir of agapē, the purest and most liberating form of love. 

I am as resolute as ever in my commitment to restoring the dignity of survivors by connecting in our digital safe space. Every time a survivor makes the leap from victim to victor, they become an inspiration to those still ensnared in destructive relationships.

Your voice and vision are needed to co-create the best climate for recovery. I invite you to participate in a five-minute survey to let me know how you think we can streamline our website. I also welcome you to leave a comment or contact me directly to share relevant topics you would like us to discuss on the new episodes of the podcast.

Your’s in recovery,

Coercive Control
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What is a Domestic Violence Enhancer?

by Manya Wakefield
Domestic Violence Enhancer

Domestic violence enhancer is a legal term used to describe behaviors intended to cause harm, injury, or distress to a former or current intimate partner. It is used to add context to a variety of criminal offenses.

Colorado and Wisconsin do not recognize domestic violence as a criminal offense in its own right. Instead it is regarded as a sentence enhancer that adds context to various other crimes as an indicator of the perpetrator’s intention to frighten, intimidate or coerce the recipient of the abuse.

“In Colorado, domestic violence is not a separate charge, but rather something that can enhance sentencing, “explains Casey Krizman, a Criminal Defense Attorney, “In other words, you are unable to be convicted of domestic violence without being convicted of some other crime.”

Acts of aggression associated with domestic violence enhancers can be psychological or physical. It can be attached to any criminal offense, including assault, harassment, stalking, theft, trespassing, crimnal mischief, disorderly conduct, and property damage. While domestic violence is not illegal in its own right in Colorado and Wisconsin, attaching a domestic violence enhancer to a crime can significantly impact the severity of the punishment. 

The state of Colorado issues mandatory protection orders is all cases with domestic violence enhancers to safeguard recipients of the abuse from more criminal acts from the alleged perpetrators. Moreover, a domestic violence enhancer helps move such cases more swiftly through the legal system.

Domestic violence enhancers prevent alleged perpetrators from re-entering a shared residence with an at-risk intimate partner. Alleged perpetrators charged with crimes with domestic violence enhancers are prohibited from having contact with the minor children they share with the recipient of the abuse.

Narcissistic Personality
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What is Pathological Narcissism?

by Manya Wakefield
person eye

PATHOLOGICAL NARCISSISM is used to describe an impaired expression of narcissism that disrupts one’s abilities to regulation emotions. It is distinguished by oscillations between the characteristic grandiosity and vulnerability of this personality type. Over time it correlates with emotional dysregulation and diminished interpersonal functioning.

How does pathological narcissism develop?

Pathological narcissism is a construct used to describe a maladaptive and socially destructive form of self-idealization. In clinical practice, it’s known as a narcissistic personality disorder and in popular culture, it’s called malignant narcissism. It is understood to develop as a defensive ego structure that protects a wounded true self by shielding it with an omnipotent false self. 

A fortress for the ego

Pathological narcissism is a post-traumatic stress adaptation that develops to protect an injured psyche. It functions to desensitize the mind to feelings of dread, fragility, and hyper-vigilance by numbing vulnerable parts of the self. While it shields the self, it also results in low empathy for others and an inability to form authentic emotional bonds.

A fragmented self

Highly stressful or traumatic experiences in early life fracture and severe the self from pervasive feelings of shame and humiliation, which remain hidden in the subconscious mind. An all-powerful false self serves to cloak the fragility of a wounded true self.

Characteristics

Some characteristics of pathological narcissism are that it is:

  • Self-love to the exclusion of others
  • Harmful to self and others
  • Dangerous to the mental health of self and others, and
  • Uncompromising

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40% Child/Adolescent-to-Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA) Unreported

by Manya Wakefield
woman in blue shirt talking to a young man in white shirt

MORE THAN 40% of Child/Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA) is never reported to the authorities according to a study commissioned by the Mayor of London’s Violence Reduction Unit.

What is Child/Adolescent to Parent Violence and Abuse (CAPVA)?

Child/adolescent to parent violence and abuse CAPVA) is a term used to described acts of violence perpetrated by minor-, adolescent-, and adult children against their parents or caregivers.

Violence is any act that uses fear, intimidation, threats and/or harm to cause someone to do something against their will, or prevent them from doing something they want to. Violence can be physical and psychological.

Jane Griffiths of Capa First Response CiC explains how it might show up, “For many families it is their children that are using violent and abusive behavior in the home directed at parents or caregivers. Spitting, hitting, name calling, destroying property, threats of violence […] causing parents to ‘tread on eggshells.” 

What does child-to-parent look like?

According to the study, 89% of the recorded incidents show that CAPVA shows up as:

The study also found that 81% of the perpetrators of child-to-parent violence were adolescent boys acting out against their mothers with physical violence.

Fear of stigma stops parents from reporting

The study looked at pre-pandemic data from 2011 to 2020 and found that 40% of the parents and caregivers experiencing CAPVA did not report because they encountered stigma when they reached out for help.

“Parents feel huge shame around this behaviour; they feel judged and blamed for how their child behaves towards them.” explains Jane Griffiths, “It is a hugely isolating issue, with parents feeling unable to talk about what is happening or seek support.” 

Parents and caregivers in this situation require specialized support, which is available through organizations like the PEGS – Parental Education Growth Support program.

How does the UK plan to address the issue?

CAPVA occurs in approximately 1 in 10 British families and experts say the number increased during the Coronavirus pandemic.

Sadiq Khan, the Mayor of London has suggested taking a multi-agency ‘joined-up approach’ to reducing child/adolescent-to-parent abuse.

He explained that the underlying causes for the aggression were often undiagnosed mental health issues, unidentified disabilities, and unidentified special educational needs. Perpetrators of CAPVA may also be acting out in response to trauma such as exposure to domestic violence and others harms.

For in-depth analysis of this report, read How Coercive Control Perpetuates The Cycle of Violence in Families.

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