Tag: Narcissistic Abuse

Narcissistic Personality
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4 Signs of Dysfunctional Narcissism

by Manya Wakefield
4 Signs of Dysfunctional Narcissism, According To Dr. Michael Stokes

LEARNING TO SPOT the signs of dysfunctional narcissism can help you make more informed in your relationships with friends, family members, and romantic partners. It is a useful skill for anyone seeking to preserve their mental, physical, and emotional health.

It is easy to get drawn in by the formidable charm of highly narcissistic people, especially when they are telling you everything you want to hear during the love bombing phase of the relationship. People with this personality style form don’t fall in love, they form trauma bonds, and go to great lengths to avoid accountability. To the person on the receiving end, who is being groomed for exploitation, they are manipulated into thinking they’ve met the partner of their dreams.

It can take months and sometimes years for people to overcome the trauma of narcissistic abuse. Because an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure, Narcissistic Abuse Rehab reached out Dr. Michael Stokes, a Licensed Mental Health Counselor, Sex Therapist and the founder of Rhodes Island Sex Therapy. He also provides specialized counseling for pornography- and sex addiction. We asked him to share his picks of the biggest red flags of dysfunctional narcissism.

1. They Make Everything About Them

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: Dr. Stokes, what’s a dead giveaway that you are dealing with a highly narcissistic person?

Dr. Michael Stokes: They focus everything on them, their accomplishments, and how they are better than those around them. These grandiose behaviors will be a huge red flag.

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: Can you please give some examples of what that might look like in practice?

Dr. Michael Stokes: This can include telling you how amazing he was at school and graduated top of his class. Meanwhile, this can be completely false. 

2. An Over-Inflated Sense of Entitlement

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: What other behaviors should people seeking to avoid relationships with highly narcissistic people look out for?

Dr. Michael Stokes: They have an over-inflated sense of entitlement. Therefore, they will belittle people without regard. This might not include you yet, but it will.

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: That’s such an important observation. During the love bombing phase you are exempt from their aggression, but inevitably it will happen to you, too. Can you share an example of how they might belittle others in your presence.

Dr. Michael Stokes: This might include screaming at a server because his food is cold. Although not the server’s fault, this will not be a factor for the narcissist.  

3. A Need For Constant Validation

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: What is the first red flag that’s likely to show up in their relationship with the person they are grooming?

Dr. Michael Stokes: Narcissist have a insatiable need for constant reinforcement.

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: Because they are dependent on narcissistic supply or external validation to function. How might this show up in their relationship with someone getting to know them.

Dr. Michael Stokes: They will frequently ask for praise, acknowledgment, attention, etc. You will find they will tell you about all their accomplishments and embellish them to shift the focus to how wonderful they are.

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: How will their demands for constant validation impact the other person in the relationship?

Dr. Michael Stokes: You will feel drained often by telling this person how amazing they are.  

4. An Absence of Remorse

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: You are describing a personality that is highly self-focused, combative, and demanding. How do narcissistic people reconcile being so overbearing and emotionally needy?

Dr. Michael Stokes: They have no remorse. This person will talk down to other people, become verbally aggressive, and show no signs of remorse for these feelings.

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: How do these maladaptive behaviors affect highly narcissistic people?

Dr. Michael Stokes: This person will likely not apologize or own their behaviors. This is a huge factor why marriages fail with narcissists. They cannot own their part within the marriage and will blame their partner. 

Narcissistic Abuse Rehab: Thank you for sharing your insight on signs of dysfunctional narcissism.

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What Is Blame-Shifting And Why Is It Harmful?

by Manya Wakefield
What is blame-shifting?

BLAME-SHIFTING is the redirection of responsibility for one person’s actions, behavior, or mistakes onto another person, group, or thing. It is a destructive act of deception that shirks personal responsibility and destroys trust in relationships. It is a tactic commonly used in the context of narcissistic abuse.

What Is Blame-Shifting?

  • Blame-shifting is a form of deflection. 
  • It is a practice people use individually and collectively to avoid accepting responsibility for their actions. 
  • It is a learned behavior used to cover up mistakes through deceit. 
  • Blame-shifting is one of the stages in the process of scapegoating.
  • It can devastate relationships, diminishing friendships, families, and communities because it erodes trust.

What Are Some Examples?

Here are some of the ways blame-shifting can show up:

  • A CEO blames their staff for poor performance rather than take responsibility for poor management choices. 
  • A politician who blames the opposition party for their errors rather than take accountability.
  • A student who blames their academic failure on a teacher rather than taking responsibility for their lack of motivation.
  • An unfaithful spouse blames their infidelity on their partner instead of admitting it was their own decision.

How Might It Sound?

Some of the ways people may try to redirect responsibility for an outcome by blame-shifting are:

You made me lash out at you!Person A is blame-shifting their anger management issues on to Person B to avoid taking responsibility and learning to control their emotions.
You’re the reason why I drink.Person A is blame-shifting their choice to use alcohol on to Person B to liberate themselves from responsibility for their actions and facing their substance abuse issues.
My family/friends don’t like you so I am divesting from our relationship.Person A is blame-shifting their loss of interest in their relationship with Person B on to their family/friends. This is a combination of two psychological defense tactics: blame-shifting and triangulation.
It’s your fault I was unfaithful because you let yourself go.Person A is blame-shifting their lack of integrity and restraint on to Person B by justifying their betrayal through fault-finding.
I was perfectly happy until you came along.Person A is evading responsibility for their mental state by blame-shifting on to Person B instead of recognizing that they alone are responsible for their happiness.
I’m too busy with my job to make time for our relationship.Person A is blame-shifting their emotional neglect of Person B on to their job instead of acknowledging that they choose their priorities.
It’s your fault I run out of money because your standards are too high.Person A is blame-shift their financial problems on to Person B instead of working on their boundaries and communication skills.

Why Do People Blame Shift?

  • Blame-shifting is a strategy used to maintain power and control while avoiding responsibility. 
  • People and organizations often avoid criticism and scrutiny by blame-shifting.
  • Authority figures are often prone to blame-shifting to retain their status and escape accountability for their errors.

Summary

In conclusion, blame-shifting is the transfer of responsibility from one person or group to another person or group. It is a toxic behavior as it diminishes trust between individuals, collectives, and institutions. It’s wise to confront the behavior and resolve it to cultivate trust and accountability.

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How To Tell When A Narcissist Is Cheating With Rachel Coffey

by Manya Wakefield
How To Tell When A Narcissist Is Cheating With Rachel Coffey

PEOPLE IN TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS often struggle with how to tell when a narcissist is cheating. This is because when a partner is highly narcissistic, they use a variety of manipulation tactics to deceive others, making it challenging for their partners to spot the red flags of infidelity. 

We reached out to life coach Rachel Coffey to explore some of the dead giveaways she has seen in her coaching practice when highly narcissistic partners are unfaithful. 

Manya Wakefield:  In your experience, Rachel, what is the first sign that a highly narcissistic person may be cheating on their partner?

Rachel Coffey:  Never ignore that gut feeling that things are not quite right. Our subconscious is brilliant at picking up tiny clues that our conscious brain tries to filter out and rationalize. If you feel like something is up, there probably is.

Manya Wakefield: What is the most likely think to ping the alarm bell of our gut instinct.

Rachel Coffey:  Little lies. You know when you notice that what someone is saying isn’t quite true, but you don’t know why they’d bother lying about it? For example, you ask what time a parcel was delivered – they say the courier handed it over at 4.00 pm, but you find out they actually left it on the doorstep at noon. Or you casually ask what your partner had for lunch, they say they had a Subway, but then you find a random receipt showing they had a sit down meal elsewhere. Someone who is having an affair lies constantly.  

Manya Wakefield: Right, and when you express the concern to a narcissistic partner, they respond with denial, gaslighting, and blame-shifting tactics. This is why it’s important people learn how to tell when a narcissist is cheating. So how do you catch them out?

Rachel Coffey: The big lies, their main cover, is usually water tight. The small ones that they don’t even notice they are telling? They are the tell tale lies they lose track of – and can be their downfall. 

Manya Wakefield: Are there any observable behavioral signs of infidelity to look for in your partner? 

Rachel Coffey:  If your partner’s appearance has dramatically improved or their grooming routine has gone into overdrive for no apparent reason – especially if you’ve been feeling a bit unkempt recently – it can be a red flag. It’s easy to explain away – but there’s many a partner that rues the day they did! 

Manya Wakefield: Can you share another behavioral sign that a narcissistic person is cheating on their partner? Can you give some clear examples of they style of deception?

Rachel Coffey: Grand gestures that aren’t warranted. For example, you might receive a random bouquet of flowers or a surprise romantic getaway out of the blue? Watch out! The person having an affair tries to overcompensate. Sometimes out of guilt, and, in other instances, they mirror what they are doing with the person they are cheating with to convince you how much they care! 

Manya Wakefield: Rachel, thank you for sharing your advice on how to tell when a narcissist is cheating, manipulation tactics, and tips on what signs of infidelity to look for.

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Can Narcissistic Abuse Cause Narcissism?

by Manya Wakefield
can narcissistic abuse cause narcissism?

A COMMON QUESTION asked by people learning about abusive power and control in interpersonal relationships is whether narcissistic abuse can cause narcissism? The short answer is no. Narcissism is one of many personality traits all people possess that is necessary for healthy human functioning. Given that it is something all people are endowed with, narcissism is not caused by narcissistic abuse.

With that said, let’s look at the question from another angle: can the experience of narcissistic abuse lead to narcissism impairments such as excessive or extreme narcissism? The answer to that question is a definitive yes.

How Might Narcissistic Abuse Cause Excessive Narcissism?

The reason for this is that psycho-emotional abuse is generally is a highly stressful experience. Narcissistic abuse is particular can be traumatic. Excessive of extreme narcissism is a post-traumatic stress adaptation that occurs in some people.

Let’s turn to Dr. Gabor Maté for more insight on this topic. He describes trauma as, “a psychic wound that hardens you psychologically that then interferes with your ability to grow and develop.”

In this sense, excessive or extreme narcissism represent different levels of arrested development, which is why they share the same defense mechanisms seen in early childhood.

Narcissism Impairments As A Traumatic Stress Response

Dr. Maté goes on to explain the affects of trauma, “It pains you and now you’re acting out of pain. It induces fear and now you’re acting out of fear. Trauma is not what happens to you, it’s what happens inside you as a result of what happened to you.”

A great deal of what happens inside of people happens at a subconscious level. In this way, we can think of excessive narcissism as a balm to soothe a wounded ego. However, the effects of trauma are far more pervasive and can lead to a severing of the self. It is in these cases that various manifestations of extreme narcissism occur to protect a fragmented and, in some cases, annihilated ego.

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Non-Fatal Strangulation Is A Predictor Of Femicide

by Manya Wakefield
Non-Fatal Strangulation Is A Predictor Of Femicide

Non-fatal strangulation in intimate partner violence is a powerful predictor of femicide, the main cause of premature death for women globally. A woman who has been targeted for non-fatal strangulation by a partner or family member is 750% more like to be killed by the same perpetrator.

Non-Fatal Strangulation Is A Gendered Crime

Non-fatal strangulation, also known as non-fatal asphyxiation, affects 10 times as many women as men, making it a gendered form of domestic violence. It occurs in 45% of attempted femicides.

Non-fatal strangulation and stalking are considered two of the most serious red flags of escalating aggression that can lead to femicide.

“It actually takes about 7 seconds occlusion of the blood vessels to make someone unconscious,” Gail Starr, clinical coordinator for Albuquerque Sexual Assault Nurse Examiners (SANE).

Healthcare Workers Can Be A Lifeline For Victim-Survivors

Informed healthcare professional are often the only hope for women targeted for non-fatal strangulation by current and former intimate partner or family members. It is often overlooked as victim-survivors are often too terrified and disoriented to report the violence they are experiencing at the hands of their partners and family members.

Traces of non-fatal strangulation are only discernible in 50% of the cases. Therefore, learning to identify the signs of non-fatal strangulation is crucial in femicide prevention.

Some physical signs of non-fatal strangulation are:

  • Loss of consciousness
  • Difficulty breathing
  • Difficulty swallowing
  • Brain damage
  • Hoarse voice
  • Paralysis
  • Motor and speech disorders
  • Stroke
  • Bladder or bowel incontinence 
  • Dizziness
  • Memory loss
  • Tinnitus
  • Seeing dark spots
  • Tunnel vision
  • Memory loss

Non-fatal strangulation can lead to strokse as there is a risk of blood clots forming in the artery. The strokes can occur days or weeks after the act of violence occurred.

Some psychological signs of non-fatal strangulation include:

  • Post-traumatic stress (PTSD)
  • Depression
  • Suicidality
  • Dissociation
  • Compliance
  • Amnesia

Legislation Against Non-Fatal Strangulation

So far non-fatal strangulation has been criminalized in England and Wales, where it carries a sentence of up to 7 years in prison.

References

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Flying Monkey Narcissist Meaning

by Manya Wakefield
Flying Monkey Narcissist Meaning

FLYING MONKEY is a term used that generally describes someone who, knowingly or unknowingly, enables the destructive behavior of another. It is commonly used in the context of narcissistic abuse in reference to people in the manipulator’s social circle who make it possible for them harm others without being held to account.

Flying Monkey Meaning

Flying monkey (noun): a person who is an abuse enabler. They makes it possible for one person to harm another by making excuses for them or acting on their behalf. They encourage perpetrators of abuse and shield them from the consequences of their behavior.

Synonym: enabler, hatchet man.

Flying Monkey Narcissist Meaning

Flying monkey narcissist (noun): is a term used to describe a narcissistic person who takes on the flying monkey role. Narcissism is a trait that exists on a continuum, and it is something all people have to a greater or lesser degree. Narcissistic abusers are skilled at appealing to narcissism in others as a means to recruiting them into their cause.

Example sentences

  • Rose McGowan says Harvey Weinstein did not respond to her accusations directly. She alleges that he had his flying monkeys Lisa Bloom and David Boies hire Black Cube to undermine the publication of her book.
  • Most people don’t realize it but in the film ‘Mean Girls,’ Cady Heron was Janice Ian’s flying monkey.
  • My youngest brother Chuck said he had my back but it turns out that he was our older brother Drake’s flying monkey.

Signs of Flying Monkey Behavior

Here are some behaviors commonly seen in flying monkeys:

  • Turning a blind eye – Flying monkeys ignore the narcissistic person’s aggression.
  • Vouching for the narcissist – Flying monkeys excuse and justify the narcissist’s behavior. If the narcissist commits a crime, the flying monkey provides them with a false alibi.
  • Smearing the recipient of the abuse – Flying monkeys participate in character assignation. They echo the narcissist’s talking points without verifying it. They don’t bother to seek out the recipient of the abuse and listen to their side of the story. Flying monkeys are instrumental in narcissistic scapegoating, i.e. DARVO.
  • Data mining – Flying monkeys often act as spies for the narcissist. A common tactic they use is pretending to be a friend to the recipient of the abuse only to pump them for information and report back to the chief abuser.
  • Acting as the narcissist’s emissary – Flying monkeys can also take on the role of the narcissistic person’s proxy, acting as their ambassador to carry messages to the recipient of the abuse. They may also negotiate or aggress on the narcissist’s behalf.

Further Reading

Understanding Narcissistic Abuse by Lana Levin.

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Flying Monkey Destroyed

by Manya Wakefield
Flying Monkey Destroyed

IN THE CONTEXT of narcissistic abuse, flying monkeys perpetrate secondary victimization on the targeted person. This article revisits their origin story to answer the question, “How is a flying monkey destroyed?”

What are Flying Monkeys?

Flying monkeys are aggressive enablers, who shield the narcissist from being held to account. During the love bombing phase of the cycle of narcissistic abuse, they support the narcissist by lending them credibility. They are also active in devaluation and discard phases of the abuse cycle, acting as informants, lieutenants, character assassins, and enforcers of the narcissistic person’s agenda.

The Flying Monkey Origin Story

The concept of flying monkeys comes from the L. Frank Baum children’s novel, ‘The Wonderful Wizard of Oz.’ It tells the story of Dorothy Gale’s dramatic foray into the enchanted fairyland. A tornado causes her house to land on Nessarose, the Wicked Wicked of the East. As the Winkies rejoice over the demise of their oppressor, Elphaba, the Wicked Witch of the West, appears to claim her late sister’s magical ruby slippers to consolidate her dominance in the realm. However, in an unexpected turn of events, Glinda, the Good Witch of the North, intervenes and casts a spell placing the coveted shoes on Dorothy’s feet. Thus begins Elphaba’s vendetta against Dorothy in the Ozian saga.

In her effort to retrieve the ruby slippers and become omnipotent, Elphaba commands her army of flying monkeys to terrorize Dorothy and thwart her from achieving her goals. The Wicked Witch of the West used the flying monkeys to abuse Dorothy by proxy. In the real-world, enablers of narcissistic abuse exist within a similar power dynamic. For this reason that author Sam Vaknin borrowed the term flying monkey to describe them.

What Caused Elphaba To Attack Dorothy Gale?

Before we consider Baum’s idea of how the flying monkey is destroyed, it might be helpful to recognize why the Elphaba sent the flying monkeys after Dorothy in the first place. The Wicked Witch of the West saw Dorothy as a threat to her identity and status. Dorothy’s kindness and empathy made her a preferable steward of power to Elphaba who was notoriously dictatorial.

When Glinda rewarded Dorothy with the coveted ruby slippers, Elphaba experienced a narcissistic injury and set her mind to sabotaging Dorothy’s rise to power. From Elphaba’s point of view, bringing Dorothy down was as an act of self-preservation. As is the case with most narcissistic people, Elphaba was frightened of her rival.

Like Dorothy, many people who experience narcissistic abuse do not see their own power and are oblivious to the fact that highly narcissistic people feel threatened by them on some level despite their posturing and bravado. Fear is one of the driving forces of the narcissist’s effort to exert control over them.

Why Are Flying Monkey’s Loyal To Narcissists?

According to Baum, the actions of flying monkeys are not necessarily personal. They are obedient to whoever is the power holder within their hierarchy.

Baum wrote that flying monkeys recognized a magical Golden Cap as the ultimate symbol of power. In the ‘Hidden History of Oz: An Introduction to Oz Before Dorothy,’ author Tarl Telford reveals that Baum’s notes detail the cap was created by Gayelette, an enchantress at the Ruby Palace. Whoever wore the Golden Cap had command of the Flying Monkeys and could ask them to do their bidding, whether for good or for ill.

Victim-survivors often describe secondary-victimization as more painful than the first instance of narcissistic abuse. It’s hard to make sense of the flying monkeys aggression when you have done them no harm. It can be helpful to recognize that their behavior is not about you, it is about their survival within their social circle.

Learn More About Flying Monkeys

How Is A Flying Monkey Destroyed?

Returning to ‘The Wizard of Oz,’ Baum wrote, “Dorothy went to the Witch’s cupboard to fill her basket with food for the journey, and there she saw the Golden Cap. She tried it on her own head and found that it fitted her exactly.”

In other words, Dorothy was destined to hold power. In the first instance, she is given the charmed ruby slippers by Glinda and in the second instance she unwittingly takes it by pilfering Elphaba’s Golden Cap which fits her as if it was made for her.

However, Dorothy does not realize the cap’s power until she is made aware of it by the Queen of Mice. Once Dorothy learns the secret of the Golden Cap, she realizes she has the power to command the army of flying monkeys and their attacks cease. In a surprising turn of events, once Dorothy realizes her power, the flying monkeys carry her to Emerald City and where she is made a Princess of Oz by Ozma, Queen of the Realm.

The moral of Baum’s story is that the solutions to our problems often exist within us. Dorothy was an ordinary person who prevailed in a power struggle with the most fearsome character in Oz. She accomplished this by using her tactical skills to build a social circle of her own. Through her good nature and building connections with others, Dorothy successfully realized her full potential in spite of the Elphaba’s aggression. Moreover, by courageously realizing coming in to her own power, the flying monkeys chased their allegiance and served her.

Conclusion

Flying monkeys may be on a mission is to bring you down but your power lies in your choices. For example, you can see them for what they are and remember that their aggression is not about you.

Dorothy did not waste time or energy trying to convince the flying monkeys that they had a terrible master. Instead of fighting them, she invested her effort with people who believed in her. She did not allow attacks from the narcissist or the flying monkeys to sway her from her goals. Dorothy stayed close to people who cared for her and continued building friendships with people who wanted to see her shine.

As U.S. president Abraham Lincoln famously said, “Do I not destroy my enemies when I make them my friends?”

Flying monkeys may not ever be your friends but are destroyed the moment the person they target realizes their own agency. Remember, they submit to whoever wears the Golden Cap. Dorothy didn’t seek sympathy or vindication from the flying monkeys, instead she seized power and fulfilled her destiny. Walking in purpose, setting goals, staying productive, and adding value to relationships are the components of a real-world Golden Cap.

Further reading

Flying Monkey Quotes

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In the UK call 0808 2000 247 or log on to nationaldahelpline.org.uk.

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Emotional Ghosting: 10 Signs of Emotional Abandonment

by Manya Wakefield
Emotional Gaslighting | Emotional Neglect | Abandonment

EMOTIONAL GHOSTING is a form of neglect where one partner emotionally disconnects from the relationship, causing confusion and pain to the other partner. It can show up as emotional withdrawal, ignoring the partner’s needs, and cool indifference to the relationship. The effects of emotional ghosting can be just as harmful as physical ghosting. Because of its passive-aggressive nature, emotional ghosting can be difficult to spot.

10 Signs of Emotional Ghosting

Recognizing emotional abandonment is not always easy. Here are ten signs commonly associated with the behavior:

  1. Absence of communication: Your partner is disinterested in discussing your thoughts.
  2. Absence of emotional intimacy: Your partner is disinterested learning about your feelings. 
  3. Absence of physical affection: Your partner is disinterested in physical intimacy or affection with you.
  4. Absence of support: Your partner is unwilling to provide you with emotional support.
  5. Absence of validation: Your partner does not validate your feelings or experiences.
  6. Absence of empathy: Your partner has no interest in understanding your perspective.
  7. Absence of trust: Your partner is no longer willing to share their thoughts and feelings with you.
  8. Absence of commitment: Your partner no longer values the relationship and is unwilling to work through issues.
  9. Absence of engagement: Your partner has divested from the relationship and avoids spending time with you.
  10. Absence of love: Your partner is indifferent and seems not to care about you.

Why does emotional ghosting hurt so much?

According to Developmental-Behavioral Pediatrics, emotional neglect is “a relationship pattern in which an individual’s affectional needs are consistently disregarded, ignored, invalidated, or unappreciated by a significant other.”

Prolonged experiences of emotional ghosting, otherwise known as emotional abandonment or emotional withdrawal, can damage a person’s sense of self. In her book, Neglect – The Silent Abuser: How to Recognize and Heal From Childhood Neglect, Enod Gray explains, “I believe neglect to be the foundation stone of outright abuse, although many neglected adults have developed ways of denying, justifying, and minimizing the abusive behavior they experience in relationships.”

Emotional ghosting is a painful, subtle kind of abandonment that can give rise to feelings of profound sorrow and intense loneliness. When an inconsiderate partner ignores your feelings and needs, it can wreak havoc on your self-esteem. Moreover, it can reawaken memories of similar experiences of emotional neglect in early life.

Why do people emotionally ghost others?

There are many reasons why emotionally unavailable people ghost partners. A benign motive for emotional neglect might be that the person is preoccupied with personal struggles in their own life, and doesn’t have the capacity to give their partner the emotional support they need.

Common reasons why a highly narcissistic person may emotionally ghost their partner might be that they come into romantic relationships in the guise of a false persona. Upholding the ruse can become exhausting, especially when the novelty of their romantic partner’s validation has worn off. This is when the narcissistic person is likely to start devaluing their partner.

For example, they might off-handedly start a rivalry between you and someone else by implying the other person is superior to you in some way or they might blame you for the fact that they no longer have the energy to maintain their false persona and tell you to your face that they think you are boring.

Because they lack empathy, they don’t end the relationship because the still want access to its benefits. Narcissistic people put a great deal of effort into grooming their partners and they usually want to continue to have access to the benefits associated with them as they seek new sources of validation. Because they are self-centered, they tend to be oblivious to the pain emotional ghosting causes their partner.

Moreover, if another source of validation captures the narcissistic person’s interest, they may emotionally ghost to manipulate their partner into ending the relationship due to neglect. In their view, if the partner breaks up with them, the narcissistic person can play the victim while pursuing their new interest and come up smelling like a rose.

How to protect your mental health from emotional ghosting

In the words of Aeschylus, “There is no pain so great as the memory of joy in present grief.” It is a fitting description of the despair that arrives hand in hand with recollections of the love bombing phase of the narcissistic abuse cycle. Indeed, the experience of neglect from a loved one is warning. The more cold and indifferent they grow, the more likely that their emotional withdrawal is a prelude to more egregious acts of aggression.

As painful as emotional ghosting can be, remember that you have agency. With a little bit of courage and a lot of focus, you can turn the experience into an opportunity to grow in self-love. 

Here are four tips for moving forward when you have been emotionally abandoned:

  1. Prioritize self-care: If you are being neglected by your partner, step up your efforts to look after yourself emotionally and physically. Start doing wholesome activities that give you peace and strength, like exercise, meditation, and spending time with friends and family.
  2. Remember who you are: The waning affection of another does not diminish your value in reality. Your intrinsic worth as a human being is fixed and does not fluctuate based on a troubled person’s inability to recognize it.
  3. Communicate your needs: Emotional unavailability does not mean that you should shut down. Set boundaries with your partner. Let them know what you are feeling and what you need from the relationship.
  4. Seek support: If necessary, seek support from a mental health professional to help you work your way through the pain and confusion of emotional abandonment. They can help you gain clarity about the situation and map up a workable plan to create the future you want. They can also help you gain insight into the underlying causes of emotional ghosting in your relationship and discover healthy solutions.

In summary, emotional ghosting can be just as destructive to a relationship as physical ghosting. If you think it is happening to you it’s important to take action to protect your mental health, identify your needs, and communicate them clearly to your emotionally detached partner. Be sure to reach out to people in your social circle for support and consider developing a strategy with a mental health professional to move forward.

Watch: Emotional Ghosting – 10 Signs of Emotional Abandonment

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A New Season of The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast

by Manya Wakefield
The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast | Photo by Nuno Obey

When I visualize the upcoming season of The Narcissistic Abuse Rehab Podcast, the image I hold in my mind is a platform that serves as a lighthouse to anyone feeling lost at sea during their proverbial dark night of the soul.

When we first launched in 2019, my intention as a content creator was to reach survivors wherever they were on their recovery journey with a message of confidence. Hope ignites the flame of courage in the human heart and makes it possible for us to take that first intrepid step toward transformation. Through the generous endowment of my wonderful mother, our platform has successfully engineered awareness, empowerment, and healing for thousands of people around the globe. 

Because narcissistic abuse occurs in the psychological domain, its effects are often invisible to everyone except the person experiencing the harm. It renders the sacred profane by weaponizing the building blocks of healthy relationships: good faith, trust, and loyalty. Narcissistic abuse impairs one’s ability to give and receive love without fear.

Tossed between seismic waves of idealization and devaluation, the survivor often loses sight of the way back to their safe harbor. Typically, the survivor is burdened with misplaced shame and cruelly thrust into the torturous scapegoat role. The result is often family estrangement and alienation from one’s wider social circle. 

Hope is the beacon of light that disrupts the gloom of this insidious form of human bondage. Without hope, healing seems impossible because it does not occur in a vacuum. The best and most lasting recovery happens through wholesome connections sustained by the restorative elixir of agapē, the purest and most liberating form of love. 

I am as resolute as ever in my commitment to restoring the dignity of survivors by connecting in our digital safe space. Every time a survivor makes the leap from victim to victor, they become an inspiration to those still ensnared in destructive relationships.

Your voice and vision are needed to co-create the best climate for recovery. I invite you to participate in a five-minute survey to let me know how you think we can streamline our website. I also welcome you to leave a comment or contact me directly to share relevant topics you would like us to discuss on the new episodes of the podcast.

Your’s in recovery,

Trauma Recovery
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5 Books on Trauma That Will Help You Heal

by Alice Nicole
5 Books On Trauma That Will Help You Heal | Alice Nicole

Although a relatively small portion of the population (approximately 5%) are clinically diagnosed with a narcissistic personality disorder, cases of manipulative and destructive behavior have become more publicly recognized in the past few years. Michelle D. Roberts explains that narcissistic abuse differs from other forms of abuse in such a way that it is characterized by a pattern of manipulative behavior and intentional deception aimed at exploiting the victim. Gaslighting is also typical in narcissistic abuse making the victim question their self-worth and whether or not they deserve abusive behavior. However, it’s important to realize that there’s always a way forward from this type of abuse.

In this list, we discuss 5 books that can help narcissistic abuse victims get back on their feet.

Shame Unmasked: Disarming the Hidden Driver Behind Our Destructive Decisions

Shame Unmasked discusses what it calls the “hidden driver” behind destructive decisions – deep-seated feelings of shame. A self-identified reforming narcissist, Rick Patterson discusses how shame drives and fuels narcissism, racism, and the like. He speaks of how shame, especially when unaddressed, takes full control of our lives. Dr. Patterson also discusses in a previous piece the traits that narcissists look for in a partner, including neediness and vulnerability.

Although originally written to guide narcissists in realizing and acting upon their disorder, this book will also be helpful for victims to understand that the problem does not lie with them. Reassigning accountability for the experience will help the victim move forward.

Writing Into the Wound: Understanding Trauma, Truth, and Language

Writing Into the Wound delves into the necessity of facing trauma head-on by picking up the bits and pieces to make oneself whole again after a bout of extreme suffering. In the book, Roxane Gay masterfully tells us, “To change the world, we need to face what has become of it.” She stresses the importance of understanding the extent of trauma to open up ways to move on and move forward to better versions of ourselves.

Gay’s exploration of trauma is not meant for victims to punish themselves and wallow in misery, but to come out stronger and better through discovering extremely important life lessons and collective healing.

Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents

Narcissistic abuse can also occur between parents and children.  Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents explores the different dimensions of parent-children relationships, which can range from abandonment to outright violent abuse. Lindsay Gibson illustrates how children of emotionally immature parents grow up to be unsure of themselves (and their happiness) and are unable to independently navigate the world in front of them.

Unearthing one’s history of abuse may help them fully understand and place into context why they decide to put up with the situation, even for a prolonged time. Going through that process may unlock key links in breaking vicious cycles of abuse.

It Didn’t Start With You

Mark Wolynn’s book on deeply-ingrained emotional problems speaks in the same vein as Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents in discussing intergenerational family trauma. However, It Didn’t Start With You leans more on how family trauma is passed on from one generation to another, creating a cycle of anxiety, depression and other problems in familial relationships. Complementary to the traditional drugs, psychosocial therapy and other interventions, Wollyn delves deeper into family history to understand how heavy baggage is inherited from our ancestors, what to take away from it, and what to let go of.

Safe People: How to Find Relationships that are Good for You and Avoid Those That Aren’t

Safe People takes that extra step in guiding you through your healing process. It covers more than just avoiding “unsafe people” and gives you an idea of what to look for in “safe people”. These are the kind that you want to surround yourself with especially when you are recovering from an extended period of abuse and trauma.

Henry Cloud and John Townsend speak of the important role of positive relationships for victims to regain trust and confidence in themselves and the people around them.

People who have had to stay in abusive relationships, be it platonic or romantic, with narcissists often take some time to heal. This healing process warrants a multitude of approaches and methods. A helpful first step might be recognition that abuse was committed, and nobody deserves that kind of abuse.

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