Most people who have been love-bombed ask the same questions afterward. What did I do wrong? What did I miss? Why wasn’t I enough? Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, a clinical psychologist who has spent more than thirty years in practice and at Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology, thinks those questions are the wrong ones. They locate the problem – and place blame – in the recipient of the abuse. The problem, he argues, is in the perpetrator — and understanding how the perpetrator’s psychology actually works is where recovery, and prevention, begin.
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Why Narcissistic People Love-Bomb Others
When I asked Dr. Sultanoff what most people fail to understand about love-bombing, his answer reframed the entire phenomenon in a single image.
“The extreme narcissist is a ‘big game hunter.’ He is stalking his prey, and the thrill is in the hunt and capture of the prey. In order to capture the prey, the narcissist will go to almost any length to achieve that goal. The result is self-congratulatory: ‘Look what major feat Iaccomplished!’ In other words, ‘I made you fall for me.'”
Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD, Clinical Psychologist, Pepperdine University
The image is precise in ways that clinical vocabulary often is not. A hunter does not fall for his prey. They studies it. They identifies its patterns, its vulnerabilities, its habits — not out of interest in the animal as an individual creature, but because that knowledge is what makes the capture possible. The love-bombing is the lure. The relationship is the trap. And the self-congratulations that follow from successfully manipulating a target into attachment is, Dr. Sultanoff argues, the primary psychological payoff. In other words, love-bombing is the grooming stage of narcissistic abuse.
This is a significant reorientation. It means the love-bombing was never about the target as a person. It was not a response to who they are or what they offered. When I pressed Dr. Sultanoff on this — observing that what he was describing sounded more like entrapment than love — he confirmed it directly.
“He is on a quest to ‘do’ whatever it takes to achieve the goal: capturing a ‘love’ connection or perhaps more accurately capturing the object of his desire. Nothing will stand in the way. Whatever it takes (behaviorally) he will do. He will shower the ‘love object’ with whatever might be pleasing including gifts, flowers, romantic getaways, etcetera.”
Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD
The phrase “love object” is doing important work here. The target is not a person to the narcissistic love-bomber — not someone with an interior life to be known, a history to be understood, or needs that merit genuine consideration. They are an object of pursuit. Their value is instrumental: they represent a conquest to be achieved. Once achieved, the value changes.
The Payoff — and What Follows It
When I asked Dr. Sultanoff directly about the payoff is for the narcissistically inclined person once the love-bombing has worked? His answer was clinical and precise:
“Once the goal is achieved, he will feel ‘full,’ valued, worthy, etcetera until the moment of the accomplishment wears off.”
Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD
The satiety is real. It is also temporary — and its temporariness is the mechanism that drives what follows. The love-bomber is not nourished by the relationship. He is nourished by the conquest. The relationship itself — the day-to-day reality of another person, with needs and opinions and an existence independent of his — provides little to nothing. The conquest stops feeling like a conquest the moment it is complete. And when the fullness fades, so does the idealization. Devaluation is not a change in the person. It is the revelation of who they always were, now that the thrill of the hunt is gone.
This sequence — pursuit, capture, satiation, depletion, devaluation — is the architecture of the narcissistic abuse cycle. The love bombing is not a separate, more innocent phase from the abuse that follows. It is the first move of the same programme.
How to Recognize the 6 Signs of Love-Bombing
Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff identified six signs through thirty years of clinical practice. Each sign is individually explainable — even flattering. Knowing what to look for, and what each sign actually means, is the first step toward seeing the pattern clearly.
- Notice whether it feels too good to be true.
The foundational sign is a quality of overall excess — intensity, declarations, and apparent perfection of fit that arrive before the relationship has had time to earn them. Does the closeness you feel match the amount of time you’ve actually spent together? Has this person seen you in ordinary, unglamorous moments — or only in the choreographed ones they’ve created?
- Examine the charm and the presentation.
Love-bombers are frequently absolutely charming and attend meticulously to their appearance. This is impression management — skilled, consistent, and part of the program. Have you ever seen this person be anything other than charming? Does the charm feel effortless, or does it feel like a surface being carefully maintained? What happens — even slightly — when things don’t go their way?
- Register the flamboyance — and what it’s actually about.
The love-bomber’s gestures are theatrical, designed to feel exceptional. The flamboyance signals that an extraordinary amount of attention is being directed at you. What it does not signal is genuine knowledge of who you are. Do the grand gestures reflect things this person actually knows about you — your real preferences, your history, what matters to you — or are they impressive in a generic way? Is the performance about you, or about them being seen performing?
- Track the generosity — and what it creates in you.
Gifts, flowers, romantic getaways, poetry, songs. The generosity may be material or experiential, but its function is the same: it creates a sense of obligation and gratitude before you have had time to assess who you’re indebted to. Do you feel a low-level pressure to reciprocate — or to stay, to be grateful, to not disappoint? Have the gifts arrived so quickly and so lavishly that declining or questioning them would feel ungrateful?
- Monitor the contact — its frequency and its feel.
The love-bomber makes a major effort to remain in constant contact: frequent texts, calls, emails, emojis, endearments. What reads as devotion is, in its earliest form, surveillance. Do you feel free to take your time responding, or is there a subtle pressure to reply quickly? Has the constant contact begun to feel like a pull on your attention you didn’t agree to? What happens — even subtly — if you don’t respond promptly?
- Take your own euphoria seriously as a signal.
Is the euphoria you feel proportionate to how long and how deeply you actually know this person? Are you finding yourself telling everyone about them and what they’re doing — before you’ve had the chance to know who they really are? The question is not whether the feeling is real. It is. The question is whether the person generating it has earned it.
The sixth sign deserves particular attention. It is the one most often missed, because it asks the target to treat their own experience — something that feels like evidence that the relationship is exceptional — as a diagnostic indicator rather than a confirmation. Dr. Sultanoff is not suggesting that the feeling is false. He is suggesting that the feeling is a response to a stimulus that has been deliberately engineered, and that its very intensity warrants examination rather than surrender.
The Question That Protects
Dr. Sultanoff’s final counsel is the simplest and most reliable protective heuristic available. It does not require expertise in personality disorders or prior experience with manipulative relationships. It requires only the willingness to ask a question that the love-bombing is specifically designed to make it difficult to ask.
“Bottom line, if he is too good to be true, he likely is too good to be true. Look for the signs of excessively loving behaviors, look for feeling immersed in his love, look for constant actions of his love and desire to be with you, and finally look beyond his loving actions and ask yourself, ‘What is the substance behind the actions? Is he who I can love if all these loving actions were not present?'”
Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD
That final question is the one that cuts through the love-bombing most effectively, because it asks about the person rather than the performance. The love-bombing floods the target’s perception with evidence of devotion. It makes the love-bomber’s feelings feel self-evidently real and the relationship feel self-evidently extraordinary. The question Dr. Sultanoff poses strips away the evidence and asks what remains: who is this person when the gestures stop? Is there substance, character, and genuine interest in you as a person — or is there only the performance?
For survivors who have already been through it, the answer is often immediately and painfully clear in retrospect. Dr. Sultanoff’s account of the narcissistic hunter provides what hindsight eventually supplies: a framework that makes the pattern visible in real time, before capture is complete.
Key Takeaways
- The narcissistic love-bomber is not falling in love. They are executing a conquest — and the self-congratulations of successful manipulation is the primary psychological payoff.
- Once the conquest is complete and the satiety fades, the devaluation begins. The transition from love-bombing to devaluation is not a change in the person. It is the revelation of who they always were.
- The target’s own euphoria — the giddiness, the desire to tell everyone — is a diagnostic signal, not simply evidence that the relationship is exceptional.
- The love-bombing was never about the target as a person. It was about the love-bomber’s need to confirm their own power and worth through successful manipulation of someone they regarded as prey.
- The most reliable protective question is the simplest: what is the substance behind the actions? Is this someone you could love if all of these loving actions were not present?
About Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff
Dr. Steven M. Sultanoff, PhD, is a clinical psychologist and licensed psychotherapist with more than 30 years of practice and professorship at Pepperdine University’s Graduate School of Education and Psychology. He has served as a clinical supervisor and spent twelve years as clinical director of a psychology training network. In 2012, he received the Lifetime Achievement Award in Therapeutic Humor from the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor. His professional resources are available at humormatters.com.
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How to Cite This Page
Wakefield, Manya. (2026). 6 Signs of Love-Bombing with Dr. Steve Sultanoff. Narcissistic Abuse Rehab. Retrieved from https://www.narcissisticabuserehab.com/6-signs-of-lovebing-with-dr-steve-sultanoff on [Date].
FAQ: Frequently Asked Questions
No. Dr. Sultanoff is explicit on this point. The extreme narcissist is not falling in love — he is executing a conquest. His framing is precise: the narcissist is a “big game hunter,” stalking prey, with the thrill residing in the hunt and capture rather than in the person being pursued. The love bombing is the execution of a plan, not an expression of feeling.
The primary payoff is the ego boost. Successfully manipulating a target into attachment confirms the narcissist’s sense of power and worth. Dr. Sultanoff describes it as the satisfaction of achievement: “Look what major feat I accomplished. I made you fall for me.” Once the conquest is complete, the love-bombing narcissist feels full, valued, and worthy — but only until that feeling of accomplishment wears off.
Because the bomber is nourished by the conquest, not the relationship. Once the pursuit is over and the target is secured, the satiation fades. The relationship itself — the day-to-day reality of another person with an existence independent of him — provides nothing. The transition from love bombing to devaluation is not a change in the person. It is the revelation of who they always were, now that the thrill of the hunt is gone.
No. Dr. Sultanoff’s hunting metaphor is specifically designed to address this. A hunter does not pursue prey because of who the animal is. The target of love-bombing was selected as an object of pursuit — not recognized as a person with specific qualities that merited that intensity of attention. The love-bombing was about the bomber’s need to confirm his own power and worth. It was not a response to who you are.
No. Dr. Sultanoff identifies euphoria as one of the six signs specifically because the target’s emotional response is a natural consequence of a deliberately engineered stimulus — not evidence of poor judgment. Love bombing exploits the brain’s genuine bonding responses. The attachment is real even when the intimacy that created it was not. Being successfully manipulated by a skilled manipulator is not a reflection of naivety. It is a reflection of the manipulator’s skill.
Dr. Sultanoff’s counsel is direct: ask what is behind the actions, not whether the actions feel good. The love-bombing is specifically designed to make that question difficult to ask. His protective heuristic cuts through the performance by asking about the person rather than the gestures.
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